turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
