How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
