Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
