I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
