I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
did i just pee glitter
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
