He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
