I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
