I'm so fucking centered right now
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
