Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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