I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
