Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
