i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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