Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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