Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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