I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
