guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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