mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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