I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
