Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
