If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
