I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
