john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
