the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
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Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
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