is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
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I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
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Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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