Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
