You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i now understand why vodka
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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