dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
