I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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