My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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