Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
