All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Randomize
