I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
That accounts for only three of the penises
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
my liver is dry heaving
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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