I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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