God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
