Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
