I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
