why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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