Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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