My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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