my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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