My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
