The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
