you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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