All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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