It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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