i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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