hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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