I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
