Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
