areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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