Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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