You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
